Ms. Venable in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe

Recession Equals Over—I've Got Jobs for People! PLUS A New Podcast? Question Mark?

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 02:45:34 GMT

I am all moved! I friggin love my new place and I have internet again! It's been a month without it at home, and while I can sneak some things at work I was pretty much twitching by the time they hooked it back up. That's literally the longest I've gone without internet since 1993 when my Dad was all "Hey Coll want to get addicted to something your friends haven't even heard of" and I'm all "HELLZ YEAH DAD as long as you don't mind me constantly hanging out in plain text chat rooms pretending I'm a old man! 'Get off my lawn!'"

It came with a book of ALL the websites on the internet. Yes that's right. A 200 page book. I wish I still had that thing. I remember being amazed. How could all of that book exist in the air? I felt like I was breathing it in. The internet was so big. The first site I visited was the Animaniacs website with my friend Brandy. It took us three hours to load the home page and who knows how many more hours it took for us to load singular 2 second audio clips but holy crap it was the most amazing thing ever! I had an email address long before I had anyone to write to. Almost all my real life relationships were born first of pixels—eventually transitioning into friends, collaborators, and really a nice handful of good kissers.

I love the internet and I love my Dad for being the gadget guy he is. When I was in elementary school he got me a cd player, as large as a record player. I had two cds, both miscellaneous hits from the 60's. I freaked out when Ghost came out and it had one of "my songs" in it. I loved that cd player so much I somehow got a ton of peanut butter inside of it. I'm not sure how exactly, but if you're going to break something there are less tasty ways to do it.

Where was I going with this? Sorry got sidetracked by OOOOOOOOOOoooOooH MYYYYYY LOOOOOVE getting restuck onto the inside of my brain, likely with that peanut butter. Oh yes...jobs!

WEB DESIGN-Y PEOPLE! I have jobs for you! One is ridiculously awesome and good paying! One is more of a favor, but I've saved a good chunk of money to give you and it means everything to me.

Job #1:
First Second :01 Web Designer for Webcomic Project: So we just signed up the amazing Mr. Mark Siegel's new book...aka our leader who also happens to be an incredible artist. I am literally giddy to see the art and what I know of the story makes me even giddier! Giddiest perhaps? I've been wanting us to get :01 into the world of webcomics and this is pretty much the perfect book to play with and post online!

Speaking of which...did I ever show you guys this amazing comic? Mark did it to honor everyone's favorite Scott Pilgrim. Click for the full amazing 2-page thing:

Here's what we want!
-a webcomic site!
-created with comicspress with a fancy custom theme made by YOU!
-someone to oversee the site as it lives on. If you'd like a fancier title than "designer" feel free to call yourself "grand emperor of the :01 webcomics universe" (granted it's a small universe now, but here's hoping it gets bigger)

Here's what you get!
-not sure the actual amount but it's definitely well above a thousand bucks (I want to say $1,500 or $2,000, but don't quote me...unless you are doing some talent show impression of me in which case feel free to use my catch phrases at whim like "Got Any Cheese?" or "Johnny Five is ALIVE and would like to know if you have any cheese." or my personal favorite "It's not a tumor. It's cheese.")
-You will ALSO get the revenue from all ads that will be on the site, so if you help promote it you instantly make a lot more money-woo!
-a chance to do future :01 web stuff...and I swear we are fun folks to work with!

It's seriously an awesome gig and you'd be working directly with Mark who is pretty much the easiest most inspiring person to work for. If you yourself are not a comicspress wiz do you know someone who is? We're hoping to get this ball rolling sometime soon, cause this Indiana Jones is ready to run!

Okay that was a horrible metaphor, but you know what I mean.

Job #2:
(aka the i beg of you all! I want to give my dad an awesome gift for under $500! job...but also one that will give you money over time)

(psst that's my dad, the heartthrob at the top of the crystal pyramid...need to find me the larger version of that pic)
My Dad was a professional drummer by the time he was 15, playing with musicans twice his age who were known all over the world. He's been playing pro every weekend ever since, a drummer for hire who never needs to rehearse because he is that amazing. He's SO DAMN GOOD but, like the awesome guy he is, in the late 70's he chose a family and a steady job over his dreams of rocking out. I think that's why the movie ANVIL! hit me so damn hard...because I knew my Dad could have made it. I don't have a doubt in my mind. But he chose us over fame, and while I love him for it, I want him to play and write songs again. Hey speaking of ANVIL...

Why yes that is Me, Mikey, and the lead singer of Anvil, LIPS! Seriously an awesome show, and man did I still cry at the movie even though it was the second time I saw it. From laughter, from sadness, and from "holy crap they are the best friends in the world-ness". Anvil is an absolute inspiration to anyone who's ever wanted to create.

But back to my Dad...now after 35 years of teaching, he's retired. He really REALLY needs a new pretty website for his recording studio (http://www.frontiernet.net/~venable/ is the old one...see I told you we had the internet FOREVER ago). For his retirement gift I want to hire someone to build it for him. I would do it myself, but I'm so damn slow!

What he wants:
-website that's a few pages that stay mostly static, one featuring the studio, one about him, one with lots of drum demos and information about how people can hire him to play live drums on their tracks (uploading their songs to his ftp...and then him uploading them back for them)

-He also wants to pay the person who builds his site whenever he needs to update it, so basically I would buy him the initial design and he would pay you after that point at your normal webmaster-y rate

What I can pay:
I've saved up about $500 for his gift. I swear I will love whoever can help me out with this one. It seriously means the world to me to get my dad playing drums again where he belongs.

In other news I am feeling so creative lately it is shooting out of my ears. I am on a strict "write 7 pages everytime I try" diet that's got my YA graphic novel almost complete! I also am desperately itching to really REALLY restart a podcast....but I need help.

1. Who occasionally wants to make a podcast with me? Something new and Un-Fluff (because honestly how will we ever top Fluff?!) I recorded three new shows already, one with PLDM, one with Scott Bateman, and one with Ed when I was in Japan. The ones I recorded were very Fluff style, but I want to do something new! Maybe have some sketches, maybe make it more Daily Show style with correspondents, maybe do it 40's drama style. I'm not sure, but I do know I really love radio and while Annie, Liam and I are working on a ridiculously cool new Vid-cast, I still love audio and fake radio shows. Let's make one!

2. What should the new show be called? I was going to just call it Fluff Radio i-i but I'm feeling like I need a whole new name for a whole new show. What do you guys think?

Who's up for creativity?!

Two last things:
1. It is the birthday of the amazing JESS FINK. I am wearing sequins writing this in her honor. Seriously one of my favorite people in the world AND one of the most talented. Here we are at the MOCCA ladies fest, just waiting for people to throw cupcakes into our faces.

2. I will likely go on and on about MJ soon, since he had a massive role in making me who I am (aka someone who knows he "remember the time" breakdown dance by heart). I won't say it now, since you are all sick of hearing about him, but I WILL say a) I own MOONWALKER on DVD (the japanese one since you can't get it in America) and b) I also own CAPTAIN EO. There needs to be a viewing of these two magical things at my place very very soon.

The One That Got Away (aka My Glasses & the Button on the Japanese Toilet I Was Too Afraid to Press)

Sun, 31 May 2009 13:21:57 GMT

So I'm pretty sure my eyeglasses have been kidnapped by the mafia.

That's a normal way to start an entry after slacking off for two months to go off and do ridiculously exciting things like visiting japan, repeatedly kissing a very tall boy, designing half dozen books, getting ready for two conventions, AND preparing to move into my 9th (yes that's right 9TH) new place since I moved to NYC 7 years ago, right? Also all sentences should be this long, "this" meaning the sentence before this one, and "this", the second "this", meaning the sentence I am butchering right now and will eventually end with some sort of punctuation, like maybe a period, or perhaps a hearty question mark?

Technically it's 11 years ago at this point I've lived and been a traveling gypsy weaving about the boroughs of NYC, but I don't count Staten Island...which probably explains why the mafia is all pissed at me and stole my glasses. My glasses been missing for five days now. I'm not too blind, so it's not a big deal, but basically I a) can't drive a car b) can't operate a steamroller...without "incidents", but hey isn't that half the fun?! and c) can't go to the movies unless I'm going to one where it doesn't matter what people's facial expressions are. Kinda like a silent movie, only instead of being quiet, they just don't move their faces when they talk. I imagine Nicole Kidman would be really good in one of these types of movies.

I keep looking for my glasses in the "i'm not looking for anything I'm just looking under everything I own for fun" method (proven fact if the thing knows you are looking for it, it'll just hide deeper). But this morning is when I realized this wasn't just a case of missing glasses, this was a case of A KIDNAPPING!

Found one arm of my eyeglasses in my bed, just one, snapped off like the optical version of a giant horse corpse head. Searched around and under the bed and can't find the rest of it for the life of me. I would have been more upset, but then I thought about how funny it is to say horse-corpse outloud three times in a row, and settled on the fact those purple glasses survived 10 times longer than any other pair I've ever owned. They were a birthday gift from Marianne my first year in NY. (Awwww.) They had a good life, and I hope, where-ever (on staten island) the rest of my glasses are, they are happy.

So Japan! Lordie. How do I sum up the most amazing trip of my life? Oh...I guess that statement worked just fine. Most Amazing Trip of My Life. Truly. Absolutely. Ed does a much better job explaining it's awesomeness. First here with this fake 2-parter video we made of me "having a horrible time". Unfortunately my acting was a little too decent and his friends who only watched the first vid were very very confused why he would like such a cold heartless girl who doesn't know what LORD OF THE RINGS is. Seriously! COME-ON PEOPLE! I FRIGGIN' WROTE LORD OF THE RINGS! (up there, three sentences ago. See it?) The second video of that post is so worth watching as we pretend to re-fall in love online in the same room. Also a must watch, according to my sister Kath, is 5:20 of the third of these videos, aka the REAL videos of my trip Ed so awesomely edited.

WARNING: I just linked you to like an hour's worth of mine and ed's faces moving and making sounds. If you would rather look at videos of jerboas. I can't blame you.

Alright, alright, for those of you who like to click play without leaving a page. Here's the dorkiest of the batch. it's the finale of the fake "colleen is a horrible bitch who hates japan and ed, and ed is a painful dork who is boring colleen to tears" video, funny mostly because the stupid things we do on skype during this video are pretty much our normal skype-ing style (this is part 2, part 1 is here):

I could pretty much go on forever so under the cut are a few of my favorite images from Japan, mostly silly things I saw and loved, plus one for pure AWWWWWW factor:

And then this one which makes me laugh every time:

This escalator either wants to eat your shoes or just looked up your skirt.

Slumber Party on the Subway! WOO! This penguin was the mascot for Japan's mass transit train line...hence me not understanding but loving this ad. Hey penguin, you want to bring the GIRL TALK and MALL MADNESS or should I?

My biggest financial regret of my trip is not buying this amazing game. I could even play it with my new penguin friend!

Yes, that's right. It's a game of tug-o-war...with pantyhose on your face. I love the look of sheer terror on the face of the guy who decided this game is craaazy!

RUN ED! RUN!

NOooooooOooOooo!

And just in case you get any idea that we aren't massive dorks...here's us attacking unseen monsters crushing Tokyo. oh we won. No worries.

And of course, the obvious picture I LOVE...

Unfortuantely I found out that button with the music note doesn't play Peter Gabriel songs but rather just makes a non-stop flushing noise until you turn it off. I was so happy to see this toilet because I had peed in holes on the floor the three toilets prior and was beginning to think people lied about space-aged astronaut heated japanese sit-upons. It's kinda amazing I didn't spend three hours in this bathroom. Only like one.

And now for my own awwwww. Ed is not a Robot, but I love him like he was one.

All of the pictures from Japan are here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/abletoven/sets/72157616898438536/

So many exciting things on the horizon!

-MOCCA! Where I'll get to see so many of you! I'll be at the :01 table standing in front of things I worked on including the world's most sinister looking book. Adam Rapp, George O'Connor: Black type on a black background with an image of a girl in gas mask wearing all black AND black ink stamped on the sides of the book, making it look like an evil brick! It's a super cheery tale about a plague and a bunch of people murdering children. Yay!

-I friggin' love this Brazilian DJ Faroff who's mashup of a Klezmer Band mixed with House of Pain was listend to 47 times in the past four days according to itunes. I think I might need to go to rehab soon. Tons of free downloads of his stuff here!

-Other things happening in the next two weeks: Moving away from Brooklyn temporarily, taking care of a friend's place on the Upper West Side for at least a year. I'll have my own one-bedroom and will save money while I'm at it for a NEW one bedroom eventually back in the borough I love and name websites after. For those of you who know him, dont worry, Emilio is coming with me. This is how happy he is about that:

Colleen Plus Japan = Oscars Won and Unicorns Stolen

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 03:23:29 GMT

The twitter monster got me. Attacked and sucked me in. I have made it out alive all with all my pieces. Well...I DID lose my left foot, but honestly that was the uglier one. (I'm sure you all noticed.) I can't believe I went almost two weeks without reading any LJ posts but hit refresh, refresh, refresh on twitter. I guess it's because I can sneak it easier at work, but even at home I kept forgetting to read LJ...but when I did holy poop I felt like a CPR dummy: aka literally quite dumb but with someone breathing sweet sweet life-giving air back into me. Air I think I really needed.

Also the person learning cpr is dreamy and tall. My imagination just decided that.

Basically what I am trying to say is a) I am going through make-out withdrawal and b) I MISSED YOU GUYS. (These two things may or may not be related depending on who you are reading this.) I missed posts with substance, posts that make me laugh that go over 140 characters, poems and puppets, scans of old photos and embedded images from new designers, comics I can read without clicking links and wow what comics! A whole bunch of brooklyn-centric memories from cp_journalcomic! A new page of Jess Fink's Chester (sans sexiness, but con a variety of goggles-yippee)! And while Ms Klio aka meritahut has been taking a break to work on bigger things, I had me some archives to read of SPQR Blues which included Mus learning some things Ms. Fink would be proud of! The internet has made me happy again. Thanks internet.

NEWS!
Holy cheese in a can! I leave for Tokyo in THIS many hours. Make-out withdrawl no more! Can't wait to see Ed though I'm slightly worried I might spend a good portion of my 10 days in Japan in jail for tackling him in the airport upon my arrival. There's so much I need to do before I go...mainly make sure I learn how to say these important phrases in Japanese:

TOP TEN IMPORTANT THINGS TO KNOW HOW TO SAY IN JAPANESE WHEN VISITING JAPAN:
1. Hello
2. Thank you
3. Goodbye
4. I'm thirsty
5. Where is the place for me to get rid of the soda I drank too much of?
6. I'm sorry I peed on your floor. Obviously I need to work at pronouncing that last phrase.
7. Why yes, that IS my unicorn. (this is just in case I see one. I hear they might exist there and with this handy phrase I'm totally stealing one and bringing it back with me!)
8. Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing! I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah! I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you. (just in case they ask me to reenact Kindergarten Cop...as I'm sure they do all to all Americans, only I'd do it with a tear running slowly, softly down my cheek. Richard Tyson, whose name I just learned from IMDB: I could SO out-oscar you!)
9. PUT MORE GOOD JAPANESE FOOD IN MY BELLLLY!
10. Sir! Sir! Please stop so I may speak with you. I'm afraid I've eaten too much and am about to die. You don't speak English so I learned to say this particular phrase in Japanese, just in case of this such event. Please take my last words and send them to my mother in Walden, NY. She'll want to know that I love her and...hey you should probably write this down. I think I have a pen in my bag somewhere. Christ there's a lot of wind-up toys in here. Ah! There it...*COLLEEN'S DEAD*

I think that's all I really need to know. Anything else you guys can think of that I should learn? I already received this very helpful tip:

This going to be the first real vacation I've had in four years and also the first time I've seen Ed in almost 5 months. I might spontaneously combust. It's very possible.

THREE MORE AMAZING THINGS:
1. They've picked the illustrator for my books! I have to keep spy-like about the plots and characters and book specifics, which is okay since it gives me an excuse to wear a fedora and trench coat and spit out food when I don't like it yelling IT'S POISON! Luckily there was a really nice write-up in Publisher's Weekly about my new publisher which officially announced "Web comics guru Colleen Venable is working on an original series with artist Stephanie Yue." STEPHANIE YUE! HOLY MOLY GUYS DO YOU REALIZE WHO SHE IS AND HOW AWESOME SHE IS?! If not you should peek at this: http://www.jellycity.com

Also interesting to note: This is the third time industry folks have called called me a Webcomics guru which I find pretty hysterical. I guess I've been pretty loud about being pro-webcomics whenever I'm at panels! Not a bad title to get.

2. In the realm of completely amazing kid's book agents, there's one that stands out as being super funny, super great at his job, and super miraculously likes my writing enough to sign me up! 2009 just keeps getting more and more jaw-droppingly awesome. I've already spilled the beans like four times to family, friends, homeless men who I pass on the street, but it looks like the beans are unspillable now! It's official since my face now graces this lovely page of the awesome Barry Goldblatt's website: http://www.bgliterary.com/clients.html I think I have read a book from almost every one of those other amazing writers. How on earth is my face on the same page as Cecil Castellucci, Shannon Hale, Libba Bray, and Holly Black?!

3. I don't know why I seem to talk about horses at the end of half my posts lately, but in an effort for to find a case for my phone I came across something truly beautiful:

Do people really like horses THIS MUCH? I mean half of my friends growing up had horse-of-the-month calendars I will never (want to) understand. I even grew up near a bunch of horse farms and all I really learned were they are kinda stinky and you shouldn't stand behind one in a conga line. But this case! Giant Horse Head Monsters! Attacking Tinier Horses! Are those green flames or stink lines coming off the word HORSE! Meanwhile everytime you are on the phone you've got the label "HOR" on the side of your face. I don't care if it's not spelled right, just like it always did in the basketball version, it phonetically makes me laugh my butt-cheeks off. I think I may need this case. I'm just scared it will induce actual conversations from real giant horse head monster lovers.

Or worse real giant horse heads. Godzilla and Mothra better move over! Hmmmm... I think I may need to make short film in Tokyo next week...

Full of Cheese and Ready for Love

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:38:26 GMT

First! Furboajerboa no more! I changed my name. To Larry. Larry AF Venable. Oh yeah, and my journal's name changed to colleenAF. No need to do anything. The magic of science has made it all the same, all my friends, all your links. Science!

Why the change? Mostly it was because I was sick of typing furboajerboa wrong to sign in and felt like being more obvious about being me. The amazing mister_punchy tells me Alex Trabec is really upset about the change and recently had a $2,000 question of "what is a jerboa?", but me and Alex haven't spoken since he murdered the man I loved: His mustache Fernando. Ahhh the dreams I used to have about Fernando. (Which will now likely be replaced by dirty dreams about this puppet of Bull from Night Court.. Dirty dreams? Nightmares? Meh whatever.)

Second! Yeah, so the novelty of having a screwed up arm is diminishing in the direct ratio to the amount of food I spill on my stupid white sling. Was feeling all bad-ass for a while. Now I just feel like there's perpetual mac and cheese on my right boob. And not in the good way.

For those that haven't heard, despite the fact I can't seem to stop twiiiitting about it, I fractured my elbow and did a lot of muscle/tendon/ligament damage the last morning of Comic Con after attempting to run out of the shower to turn off my alarm clock. Slipped and flew through the air full-body in a slow-mo moment that made me realize "Hey, when ninjas jump and kick other folks in the chest using both feet in kung-fu movies, you never see how they land! I wonder how they land...Surely there is no way to land without-AH FRICKEN A!" Had a very short lived moment where I attempted to call to my roomie for help, only to remember I was totally not in an "outfit" nor position I felt like being seen. Oooh for those of you who like gross things check out the bottom of this post! For those of you who don't this post ends at THE END and read no further! But until THE END here's more:

Comic Con was so awesome. Much better than the last two years. Saturday was super crowded and barely got to leave the booth other than some amazing BBQ. Sunday was even better despite the fact I was unknowingly broken! Day started by eating donuts, went on to eating chocolate stolen from bowls at other people's booths, then was followed up by eating an amazing cupcake with icing twice the height of the cake! Oh yeah...and there were some non-food related things, like comics and stuff, too! No wonder I didn't notice my arm! Literally had no time to wander the floor, but I did see THE elusive Moreno. I'm sure you remember from those out-of-focus pictures in Scottish lakes. Then visited Zoya at the Animated Closet booth, where I freaked out over their stuff and decided if I can't afford the d90 I'd have to settle for a skirt with a dog on it. (They are almost the exact same thing, minus the need for batteries. BONUS!) Their booth reaffirmed my goal to stop wearing clothes bought in stores and to make use of these piles of fabric I have here in my apartment. So yeah...if, in the next few months, you wonder why anything I'm wearing is asymmetrical, badly sewn, or covered in mac and cheese IT IS INTENTIONAL. I AM STARTING A TREND. Also cheese is awesome.

I did spend a good chunk of the day saying "hey does this look weird to you" and then showing random people that my arm oddly wouldn't straighten. Here it is five days later...and this is after it improved! I look like a zombie in this picture. It's just I want more chocolate SO BAD. Brooooooowniiiies...
Yeah, luckily the amazing Carol told the amazing Marianne she could go to the hospital with me, so as soon as we finished breaking down the booth and meeting banana-man in plain non-banana clothes, we went to the emergency room.

I was very disappointed by the lack of wacky antics, and the fact none of the doctors seemed in love with each other. What the hell?! It was almost like TV was all made-up or something. Crazy. Had fun telling the nurse not to worry when he gave me written instructions in spanish since the heavy painkillers they put me on would eventually teach me the language. Was in and out of the hospital in two hours. I owe so so so much to Marianne for taking care of me and to Mikey who's taken care of me since. Also thank you to the hospital who reminded me I can drive vans. That photo is also helpful if you want to learn how to mispell both my first and last names.

Today kinda sucks. It's pretty much a given I'm missing Ed today, he was asleep when I woke up, and I'm leaving the house before he'll wake up. Feeling all helpless with my arm and distance is feeling more distance-y because of it. Long distance sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Especially with no hope of the distance ever disappearing completely. Even without Japan he's a Chicago boy and I'm NY NY NY C.

BUT there's good news! Just made my reservations to go and visit him! I'll be in Japan from April 2 to April 12, and am really excited especially since the flight was totally free. If you guys can just do me one favor: between now and then, and then after I return, can you occasionally remind me how much I couldn't shut up about liking this boy? It's getting hard and harder to convince myself that what I'm doing isn't totally insane.

Screw you V-day. Bah Humlovebug!

Hey Two Questions for All of You!
1. I feel like there are amazing comic folk out there who's blogs I am not yet reading. Who I am missing?! Who's comics do you loooooooooOooooove. Oooh.

2. As much as I love it, now that I don't sell shirts online anymore my 4-color screenprinting press is just a big ol' dust machine and flash curer. Anyone here want it? I'm considering selling it for cheeeap, like a $100 or something, especially considering it made back it's $2,000+ price more than once with all the shirts I made over the years. Also have tons of ink and shirts. Let me know!

EDIT! Probably would have been helpful if I showed this before. Here's the Flash curer with the printing press on the floor (should mounted on a table, but I haven't used it since I moved in) Also check out Emilio the Almost and Eel-io showing off in this pic:

For the squeemish: THE END!

For the not so squeemish who are easily fascinated by science

So winds up my body's reaction when I'm in severe pain is not to cry or to yell out or to curse. Nope. It's to throw up! SCIENCE! I'm both fascinated and grossed out by this newly learned fact.

The End* Is Near...

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 01:04:24 GMT

* of my Netflix Queue

I was so into adding movies for so long. Had a running list of 100+ and would go into bouts of obsessive themes. All of Billy Cosby's movies? CHECK! All of Vinnie P's movies? CHECK! All of Hulk Hogan's movies? DOUBLE CHECK...yeah that one was a lot easier than the previous two!

But now somehow there are only four movies in my queue. FOUR. That must be some kind of record! I've been thinking about it a lot, and I keep wondering what happens when I run out. I know the obvious answer is "you don't get anymore movies sent to you, but they still take your money, colleen!" but I'd like to believe the REAL answer is "they send you the movies no one else wants to watch!"

Oh man that would be pure heaven! I would love that as an option. Just receive some weird movie everyone else is ignoring! Do you think if I write then a nice email they'll do that for me? Give me all the neglected movies so I can hug and cherish them and maybe even put them in my dvd player and press play?! I used to have this thing where I would go to restaurants and not even look at the menu. When the waiter came over I would just say "what never gets ordered?" They would stare at me blankly for a while, but then always give an honest response, which would lead me into a "I'LL TAKE IT!" no matter what food they named. Often the food was weird but pretty awesome and tasty! Actually never had anything I didn't like by doing that.

The "what never gets ordered?" game was a little more successful than my "will you make my food into the shape of a face" game...only because I almost always get too nervous to try that second one fancier places. I did ask it twice and twice I got SWEET faces on my plate! Totally need to do that one more! Food tastes so much better when it has a bacon smile.

Just in case Netflix DOES just not send me their "worst of" movies I'll happily add this one as number 5:

Hritik Roshan who was the dreamy lead of DHOOM 2 (which I've totally raved about a bunch of times now) supposedly is portraying a mentally handicapped man. Yeeeeaaah...like a Bollywoood version of I AM SAM? According to IMDB there are also aliens involved, and it also seems it might have been aliens that made him born with his handicap. This movie might be too un-PC and weird for even me, and better yet Roshan won India's version of the Oscars for his work on this film. Holy crap I must see this!

I would also queue up THIS as a full length movie if it existed! I would call it THE LIBRARY PATRON'S REVENGE! In a deep booming voice. Repeatedly. Until someone hit me with a book to stop.

If there was ever an better advocate for buying hardcovers...(though I do kinda think the nut kick miiiight have done a little more damage than a Jane Austin to the neck could.)

Oh for some reason that reminds me! I am a twitter-er-er now.
http://twitter.com/colleenaf

And if you haven't already become my goodreads friend and fellow addict, think of all the muggers that are totally going to be able to defeat your book-less self!
http://www.goodreads.com/colleenaf

Two more things! I think I'm going to change my LJ name to colleenaf for consistancy's sake. Also as much as I love furboajerboa even I have trouble spelling it! Also perhaps $15 will save LJ's possible decline, and they'lll send me a christmas card of thanks. Woo!

Second thing! Please convince me to either buy the NIKON D90 I desperately want or convince me it's the crappiest camera in the world and I should buy socks instead. Lots and lots of socks. Any financial planner with toes will tell you that. You know the slogan "Socks! Just like Money! Glued to your feet!"

And because some of you are so awesome you've somehow avoided facebook....here's that silly little "25 things". Warning! My list is not for the faint of fart! Yes, that's right. Fart.

Now that enough people have guilted me into this…and enough people have already read so many of these that you'll likely skim over my answers so I am totally safe to TMI all over this bad boy!

1. Some people have a green thumb, I have a fuzzy thumb… gilly thumb? Er….Thumb with eyeballs? Um…yeah…what I’m trying to say is for some reason my pets always live forever. My dog lived to 21. My cat over 20. My fish, all four, are turning 7 this year. It’s not like I fawn over them or even take particularly great care of them (an example being haven’t tested the fishtank water’s ph in two years)…but there’s something I do that works. I’ve always secretly believed it was some kind of good energy I give off. Or the fact I talk to them…and dance with them. (more on that in number 16)

2. I’ve dated 8 guys named Michael or variations thereof. All for 3+ months to almost 2+ years. My three longest relationships in my life were with Mike, Michael, and Mikey. All of this means Ed and I are either doooooomed or…um the exact opposite. I’m not sure which one scares me more.

3. Why do I know the number of Michaels? Well because I keep a detailed spreadsheet of people I’ve dated of course! What do you mean normal people don’t do this?! I guess this one should really be called “colleen is a chronic dater”, all started when I didn’t have a curfew if I was going out with a boy, but I did when I was hanging out with my female friends. It was an effort by my parents to make sure I wasn’t gay. Which brings me to number 4!

4. My older sis is gay. I grew up in a super religious family so this was a big deal, but as soon as Kath told me, it all made sense. It was normal and I knew the church and political leaders were entirely wrong. I became very vocal about the fact I didn’t see anything different between a gay couple in love or a straight couple. To this day people have always felt comfortable coming out of the closet to me. Even people I don’t know! I remember in college some girl I didn’t know came up to me and said “I heard you talking in the cafeteria about your sis and her girlfriend as if it was something totally normal, as if you weren’t talking about two people that were gay but just two people. I don’t know if I’ll ever come out of the closet for real, but I have to tell someone. I’m gay. My mother would kill me.” That was our only conversation ever. We at least said hi or nodded when we walked past, but I never even learned her name. It was just kinda understood. I was however happy to see her holding hands with a lovely lady a few years later!

5. I love bending gender ideas and will fight anyone TO THE DEATH…or you know for like five minutes …if they try to tell me gender roles are something we are born with instead of things we learn. Sure there are chemical differences, but I really think its about the things we see and the ways we are trained. This might also explain why I am straight but own more fake mustaches than a lot of drag-kings!

6. I don’t cook. Like really REALLY don’t cook. My version of grilled cheese is toasting two pieces of bread and then quickly throwing a piece of processed cheese in the middle when they pop up, chanting “melt…melt…” though knowing it never really will. I like to pretend me not cooking is a political statement but I know it’s really just laziness on my part.

7. I am really hyperactive. Can never sit still. I actually make holes in my shoes because I am constantly twitching my toes to the music in my head.

8. I have a medical excuse to wear sneakers all the time and it makes me super happy! Granted my heels are screwy and perfectly rectangular on x-rays, perfect in an almost awesome mathematical way, but knowing I can wear my red Saucony’s all the time is pretty sweet! Speaking of which…

10. I’ve only worn Saucony since 7th grade…though there was that bout in high school when I occasionally wore Spice Girls shoes…yeah let’s not talk about that.

9. I am really bad at numbering lists it seems.

11. I love everyone when I first meet them. It takes a whole lot for me to even half dislike a person. Like them murdering baby seals. In front of me. Repeatedly. Over a decade. (But even then, maybe they had a good reason?) Liking everyone in the world is simultaneously my worst and best trait, since it makes it hard to notice if someone is walking over me.

12. My second worst trait are my stupid eyes. I cry so damn easily. Sure I cry at sad things, but also at the end of happy books and movies, at funny commercials, when I see someone be nice to someone else on the train…My dumb eyes INSTANTLY glaze over with tear and their buggy largeness makes it impossible for other people to not notice. Can’t hide my emotions for the life of me!

13. I have a LOT of polka music on my ipod. I even once sang on an album that was nominated for the polka grammy. The song was called “Come Join Our Polka Party”. The album didn’t win but I got some lifetime bragging rights!

14. I’m tired right now. Also have gas. The end!

I’m not done?! What? Crap, how many more do I have to go? Damn all you!

Okay REAL 14. Speaking of gas! Growing up fart jokes were the most prevalent type of humor in my home, followed very closely by pun wars. I love my parents!

15. I keep a detailed dream diary, tagged with the people who appear each. I have two recurring dreams. One about the “second day of school” where I can’t find my classes, though I had found them the day before, and one just replaying an embarrassing moment from high school. Over and over again. Since 1995 over 2,000 different people have made appearances in my dreams, some hundreds of times. It’s likely you have appeared in there!

16. I secret apartment dance all the time…which consists of going home, putting on headphones and doing ballet, head-banging, military crawling and rolling over to kick my legs in the air…often all three of these in the same song. There is a good reason I don’t let people see this! I really think secret apartment dancing keeps me sane.

17. When I go to hotels, which used to be all the time with my old job, I explore every floor, check out every vending machine. If there is a ladder to something in a stairwell I climb it. If there is a fire escape I go out on it. I’m like this in most buildings. I like to climb on roofs and out windows. I miss the old fire escape in my old office. Shhh don’t tell Simon I used to climb out there!

18. I was really religious until I was 18, and didn’t stop going to church every week until I was 22. Now I don’t know what I am. No religions have gotten it right, but I do often feel like something is there.

19. Okay two reasons I lost my religion: their views on homosexuality…and this story: Okay this one falls in the realm of “should I really be writing this” or as my mom would say “TMI colleen! TMI!” but it’s a big deal to me, and maybe there are others. When I was 18 I was misdiagnosed with an STD…two years before I even had sex. I found out when I was 25 I never had it, it had just been an allergy. Also found out that the first doctor hadn’t done real tests. Maybe he just assumed I was lying about being a virgin. Unfortunately this was way after the cruel rumor mill at my college had gone around and I had to tell my parents and prospective boyfriends, some who wound up being a large part of that mill post-breakup. Literally the worst thing that ever happened to me, and because of it I lost faith in doctors, learned to fear gossips, and lost faith in religion.

20. Geez! Okay no more like that! Something funny…um how about the way I run? When I run I look like I’m doing the Charleston. My legs go out the entirely wrong way. It’s. Weird. I’m convinced this will be a helpful trait if someone ever tries to be mean and try to chase me to mug, rape, murder me, or get me to buy one of those rip-off salon packages. Yay!

21. I have a stamp collection. A really big one. * snorts and pushes glasses up on her nose *

22. I actually DO snort when I laugh really hard and loudly. Also I literally say “tee-hee” when I try to calm myself down. I find many serious movies very, VERY funny, and can never restrain my laughter. I am that person in the theater many of you probably hate. Sorry about that, but did you SEE the way that actress pretended to die?!

23. My middle names are Ann and Felicity. There’s a very long story about why I have two and why I insist on using them all the time and why there’s no period between the AF, but this thing is long enough already! Short version: there are two Colleen Venable ‘s in my family, so middle name was necessary. “colleen ann” never felt like me, so when I got old enough I picked my own middle name. “Colleen Ann Felicity” was too long to say for brevity and due to my bad typing skills at age 14 (with an inability to hit the period instead of the coma) “Colleen AF” I became. I feel more like a Colleen AF than a Colleen.

24. Man, that was the short version?! I guess this one, like Molly’s, should be “I like to write a bit too much.”

25. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, I love more in this world than collaboration. You could offer me $4,000,000 to do some easy project on my own or $25 to make a photocopied mini-comic with a friend…and I would happily choose the mini. Collaboration is my answer to the meaning of life.

I DID IT! I made it to 25! What do I win?! I hope it’s a box of cereal. Mmmm cereal. Which is my backup on the “meaning of life” question if I find out I’m totally wrong about collaboration.

Take that 1994!

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:14:23 GMT

I was slacking a bit with posts at the end of 2008 for all wonderful reasons! I finished edits on Book 1 and Book 2 is now at my publisher and I SWEAR it's the best thing I've ever written. After Klio's amazing hands give me editorial notes it I KNOW it will be the best thing I've ever written! It's a bit of a goofy parody of AND THEN THERE WERE NONE called AND THEN THERE WERE GNOMES. Puns! Woo!

I should really do a BEST of 2008 post. This was a rollercoaster that started underwater with piranhas biting at my butt, but somewhere along the line took a super quick incline, with the best ending. I truly think overall this is my second favorite year of my entire life, falling short to the ever golden 1994. You with me folks?! 1994 was THE YEAR of like everything great ever....though if 2009 follows recent patterns I think it might give 94 a run for it's first kiss grunge rock listening money!

BEST OF 2008!

Favorite discovered movie of the year: Hands Down! Bollywood's amazing DHOOM2. Discovered on election night when this guy who I liked totally took over our country.

Which brings me to...

Favorite New Elected Leader of the Year: I like to call um Barry O' and imagine him in pillbox hats. Totally amazing guy. Let's hope he continues to look good in a suit dress in my mind...um....i mean here's hoping he keeps being as awesome as he seems. Oh and stops ignoring my gay friends.

Favorite Last Line to A Movie This Year: As many of you might remember I have a thing with writing down the last line to almost all movies I watch, and its totally fun to judge that movie entire out of context with that last line. I'm sure you all remember purposely forgetting about family "drama" directed by Sidney Poitier and starring Mr. Crazy Sweater himself, Bill Cosby. Here's GHOST DAD's beautiful list lines: "Why Don't You Go To Hell And Sit On a Hot Coal Until I Get There." "YES YES EVIL MASTER." Truly inspiring. Why is this film never on the most influential lists?! I mean he's a dad! But he's dead! Brilliant!

Best New Way to Work Out This Year: FACIAL MAGIC! There are some things even I can't make up... I have sir Mikey to and Murray Hill to thank for giving me this amazing VHS tape. Best gift ever!

Favorite Broken Sign Of the Year: Did I ever even mention to you guys that I collect these now? I am kinda obsessed with broken signs! Best part about this one is it was a super swanky hotel in Philadelphia...

Biggest Zit I Had All Year: On the side of my nose. I started a petition to get it statehood (because lordie knows it would have kicked R.I.'s little butt in size ranking) but it disappeared before I got a chance to fill out all the paperwork, or get it legally named. Sigh. Giant Zit on the Side of my Nose you shall be missed.

Best New Job That Doesn't Cause Zits!: I still can't believe how much I love my job as a designer for FIRST SECOND. Every day I feel like someone high up in teh company is going to realize how big my dumb grin is while I work and surely fire me for not looking dour enough during 9-5. Almost done with my first book design Richard Sala's latest about a group of teenage girls who go to a school to learn to be Cat Burglars! Oooooh! I'll post it as soon as I get final approval! They are even letting me do a foil treatment on the cover. SHiiiiny!

Speaking of amazing books...

Best Book I Read This Year: NO CONTEST. LITTLE BROTHER by Cory Doctorow. If this doesn't win an award I will personally shave off my eyebrows and replace them with tattoos of bananas. I MEAN IT. If you haven't read it yet, we might not even be friends. WHO ARE YOU!? HOW DID YOU FIND ME?!

Best Album Of the Year: Another HANDS DOWN winner!
ARMCANNON's LEGVACCUM album It's hard to just call them a video game cover band. It's so much more than that. Seriously amazing musicians and HOLY CRAP if you can go to one of their shows you absolutely must! Best live band I've ever seen.

Favorite Photograph Taken This Year: With the help of Mikey, Alan, Marlie, and Madeline...

Most Ass-Shooken To Song of the Year: Oh Secret Apartment Dancing! How I love you so! There were probably about 10 songs that were on constant repeat in my headphones all year, but this one, a mix of two of my favorite songs of all time was beyond ass-shakeable! My 2009 gift to you:
Get your Decepta Freak On

Favorite Website of the Year: Speaking of secret apartment dancing...This site makes me happier than any other sites in the internet: http://www.mashuptown.com Hey Mr and Mz DJ's! Put a record on (my ipod...directly please since I do so love your podcast) I only truly fall in love with one out of every 10 songs but MAN do I fall in love with that song. More of my favs!
Cameras at the Club
Lipgloss Tequila

Hey! Speaking of Falling in Love!
Favorite New Proof that 10,000 Miles MEANS NOTHING Ed explains it all here (which also wins the award for my "Favorite LJ Post Ever")...but I'll say this much: Neither one of us was looking for anything. Both had just had our hearts shattered literally days before we met. There were 10,100 things against us, including 10,000 of those being miles between Japan and Brooklyn...but winds up the miles are no match for the amount I have fallen for this boy. He's everything I've ever been looking for. More amazing and perfect for me than anyone I've ever met. Somehow more "there for me" than anyone, friend or boy, has ever been despite the fact he's 14 hours in the future. I truly truly fell in love this year. Already planning two trips to Japan to visit him...and who knows what will happen next november when he returns. I just know I'm happier than I've ever been and I have that fella to thank.

BEST OF 2009 (anticipated!)
Going to Japan in February!
Starting a Craft Vidcast with Annie and Liam! Called "DIYabolical: Craft Punk"!
Finding out what artist is going to illustrate my books!
Getting off my butt and doing the agent thing!
Reading the books of my writing teammates M & M!
Icecream! Man that stuff is amazing!

High fives to all and to all a good night.

There Are Raisins in My Toast and Other Hits

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:14:36 GMT

Marketing no more! I just got back from my final marketing work trip, a lovely visit with the english teachers of the country in (friggin 40-something-degree what the hell?!) San Antonio and boy are my arms attached to my torso! And my torso attached to my lower half. It's kinda awesome how those things work.

The trip and teachers were amazing as always, but have I mentioned I am the living breathing embodiment of a Garfield cartoon? I have no problem with 6am as long as I kept awake to get there. The other way around doesn't exactly work so well. I once had an ex tell me I was "the nicest person he ever met if you took out the first 30 minutes of the day". I am also an absolute idiot when I wake up. REAL LIFE EXAMPLE NOW! Last week I was getting ready to head to the airport, and kept thinking "Oh I should drink more water I don't want to have trouble peeing in the cup." It was halfway through my third BIG glass of water did it hit me "WAIT! They don't make you pee in a cup to fly on a plane!!!" Seriously. That's is how unfunctional my brain bits are in the morning. When I'm tired I obviously can't tell the difference between a hoo-hoo doctor visit and one to the airport.

Problem with this whole thing, other than the fact my brain is obviously sub-par is that I also have a fear of peeing on planes. Actually no. I should correct that. I have a fear of FLUSHING on planes. I'm always convinced I'm going to somehow Tommy Boy it and loose my pants or a shoe or something to the stratosphere...um yeah don't ask me why my feet are in the toilet to begin with. We all have our things, I'm sure.

So I cross-legged danced my way to Texas. Survived with no problems or puddles, though I keep thinking about this flushing fear since I'm planning a trip to JAPAN in february. It's been next on my list for years upon years and that my awesome adorable complication Ed is there for a whole year teaching, I'm gonna attempt to get my butt over there twice! Yes that's right TWICE. Luckily years and years of banking up marketing airline miles is making this super cheap for me to do. $40 for the first flight! Woo! I'm really should probably learn to get over my fear of airplane peeing by then...he's totally worth learning to not pee my pants. Yeah. That's how much I like this guy.

In other news! I climbed over a Culkin last week! Yes that's right a CULKIN. He was sitting with a girl from Superbad, the main girl who threw the party and weighs about 23 lbs in real life, heavy raspy voice included. Both were super nice and sitting next to Marianne and I at FAMILY GUY LIVE at Carnegie Hall. I'm not the world's biggest Family Guy fan, but free tickets are free tickets and our seats were so close to the stage I got worried that someone was going to hand me a violin and demand I play.

If you knew my 5th grade locker you'd know my first (and really one of only a handful) celebrity love was Mack, of the Culkin kind. Even had a signed picture of him. To this day whenver I see a limo my first reflex is to think Macauley Culkin is in it. I don't joke. It's really odd. So as excited as I was to see his brother in person, I was a bit grateful when I had to climb over him to get out for intermission that I wasn't doing the "do I put my butt in his face, or my crotch in his face" debate for my first Culkin, but rather instead for Mr. Kieran Culkin.

I opted for the front facing him...and immediately regretted it. Damn you indecision!

In UnCulkin-ed news Monday I am OFFICIALLY 100% full-time design for First Second. Actually I am THE ONLY full time designer working on the graphic novels. In a publishing world filled with designing men I am so very proud to be a designing woman.

YOU DO NOT CROSS A SUGARBAKER WOMAN!
In honor of my new job, I plan to sing this ALL DAY on Monday: http://fluffinbrooklyn.com/assets/mp3/radio/houseband/deltaburkecake.mp3

Three more random thoughts...
1. This picture reminds me I really REALLY want to start a trend of Uncasual Fridays. Like get everyone I know to wear sequins and hoop skirts. WE SHOULD MAKE THIS HAPPEN PEOPLE.

2. Um...is it just me or is Dixie getting a little friendly with the Annie Potts in that picture?

3. Just try and tell me this isn't the most romantic CD in the world:

Skat Kat Rant (aka Phew! No More Government-Enforced Lactating for Me, but I'm Still Sad)

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 00:07:17 GMT

Do you ever get the feeling like you are living out some future 7th grader's homework assignment? 2038 Question #23 That's Us! Kids are going to fall asleep listening to stories of this year and are totally not even gonna get partial credit for writing 2007 on the pop quiz! (sorry future 7th graders, rules be rules, RED PEN ATTACK) But 2008, hellz yeah 2008: The Year America Took a Step Forward To Start to Suck Less, And Then Immediately Took Another Step Back

I stay here, in this lovely country, because I am a cartoon cat that likes organized dancing with Paula Abdul. I am proud to be Skat Kat, even if my rap-single is impossible to find now and my cartoon pants horribly dated. This country could be awesome. Perhaps one day WILL be awesome. Bottom line though, we are SO not awesome yet.

I started about four posts this week, only to never actually hit "post" on any of them. It would be so damn wrong to pretend like this week wasn't one of the most important of my life. I was super nervous election night, paced my apartment for a half hour before stats started coming back and instead opted to watch what turned out to be the CRAZIEST bollywood flick I've ever seen instead of CNN. One of the best decisions ever! Dancing, dancing, dancing, FIGHTS, dancing, gratitous high-speed fan slow motion man-candy struts, dancing, dancing, OVER! Turned off the movie just in time for us to win O-Hi-Oooooo. Sorry CNN, but DHOOM had much more satisfying reporting this election, or at least perfect timing. Movie ended. We won.

Not only was the movie a great distraction from fear, but it had some of the most amazing unsexy dance moves I've ever seen. The flailing done by the women in the beginning of the opening is rather similar to my secret apartment dancing. I do love it so! ASYMMETRICAL WINDMILL HANDS! ASYMMETRICAL WINDMILL HANDS! HIGH KICK! HUUUUH!

So they announce Obama and I start to cry. I've only felt truly patriotic twice in my life. The first time was when I won $20 for a drawning of Abe Lincoln in 2nd Grade..though perhaps that feeling was more "holy crap I can buy so many Sugar Daddy's for $20!" than it was truly patriotic.

Err...to be clear Sugar Daddy is a type of carmel candy. Um..yeah.

The second time was listening to Obama's speak, both on election night and once a while back. I had seen Obama speak in 2003 at a Social Studies teacher conference. I had no idea who he was but he was so damn moving. Nothing on tv will ever give his true speaking charm justice. When he won this week I felt proud, I felt like the world was turning into something amazing...and then I woke up.

I know we made a HUGE step and not only do I have hope for future and the intelligence of this country but ALSO now I don't have to fear quite so much about having to breast-feed old people GRAPES OF WRATH style (was totally dreading that!), but while that huge step was being made another went the other way.

The Prop 8 thing KILLED ME. I balled like a baby over it. It's fucked up. So royally fucked up.

Talk talk talk about equality and progress, but we just approved someone's equality only to say "hey just kidding!" It would be like if after the Civil War the powers that be were like "Well, we tried this 'no-slavery' thing, but MAN it's kinda expensive and not working out. Sorry guys! Back to the old days we go! No hard feelings, right? Feel free to sing as much as you'd like!"

My sis is engaged to an awesome girl. At least a third of my friends are gay. But screw that approach! Forget me having ANY personal connection to anyone gay at all...equality should be friggin equal!

The awesome Josh has started a letter writing (and fancy stationary buying it seems) pen-pal campaign with Ron Prentice, CEO of California Family Council and Chair of ProtectMarriage.com. Check out Josh's blog and write a letter of your own. Fancy stationary is optional, but realizing that people are people and love is love is MANDATORY.

I know Obama is going to be AWESOME in office, but can I start campaigning for the next president yet? I vote JESS FINK! This can totally be her first poster.

Oh yeah and 7th graders of 2038, first off thanks for being awesome and believing in equality and stuff. Also SWEET teleporter shoes!

I imagine they look a lot like these...only with little globes you have to pump up in order to break the laws of physics.

Cute Overload and Some RPattz Love (shhhh don't tell him I'm on Team Jacob!)

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 13:12:42 GMT

I made it! Isn't the definition of internet famous getting posted to a website right above a picture of a bunch of monkeys in a wheelbarrow. I THINK IT IS!

Yes folks, my tattoo'ed leg is making the internet rounds and I just got my very own post on CUTE OVERLOAD. So so so weird!

It's been on a bunch of pretty popular sites and is getting DUGG pretty hard it seems...though again people are of two minds: I'm either the coolest girl ever (got four marriage proposals since yesterday) or I am a "Total Idiot Hairy legged democrat with disgusting toes who needs someone to f**t the emo out of her."

Yes that's a f**t not a f**k. Yes. Fist. THE INTERNET IS SO FULL OF NICE PEOPLE! I hope my grandmother sees that one.

Truth be told I do have disturbing feet. I was once told by a fella I was in love with: "wow you could like survive in the wilderness without shoes". Supposedly it was a compliment or so he claimed. I've got me four broken toes out of ten (FUN FACT: ten is the number of toes most people have. *jingle THE MORE YOU KNOOOW!*) I walk way too much in this city and am accident prone and have the flicker set to prove it!

Screw those evil commenters! I love my tattoo and when I'm 80...for ONE I'm not going to be wearing mini-skirts (have I ever worn a mini skirt?) and for TWO I'm going to love it no matter how lumpy my giraffe may become. Lumpy giraffes are like my second favorite kind. Right behind normal giraffes.

In MORE EXCITING NEWS! Two things!

1. If you are near the Flatiron TODAY AT 1PM you should come by for a FREE CONCERT I organized in the little plaza outside the building. My friend's band (who you will remember from that Fluff Radio show)NOT WAVING BUT DROWNING will be playing the song featured here: http://www.abc3dbook.com Oh yes ABC3D is out today! Woo! I am wearing black red and white in honor of it...though my red has a lovely burn mark...since I tried to iron it. Anyone who ever lived with me can now laugh at the fact I even ATTEMPTED to iron. Yes, me and the domestic arts aren't exactly friends.

2. This has made my day, week, month, year, and perhaps decade. Here is the first book ever dedicated to ME:

EDIT!
3. OH this day just keeps getting better! Full Version of WEREWOLF BAR MITZVAH is online: http://www.nbc.com/30_Rock/take_it/ww_barmitz_ver6.mp3

The world is a wonderful place.

"Sorry about that Porcupine"...an SPX recap and a question!

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 17:49:26 GMT

Before I SPX recap like a craaaazy mofo, let's play a game of TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

It goes a little something like this (hit it!):
-my throat hurts something fierce and has since I got back from SPX
-I have not eaten a porcupine
-I think
-Err...I DID have a few drinks over the weekend and I do sometimes sleep talk...Anyone remember me breaking into the Baltimore Zoo and sleep-eating any pointy animals?

Should I:
a) go to the doctor today. I'm worried it's strep since I am INVINCIBLE normally. I have one lined up but I'll have to travel to manhattan and sit in a stupid office for a while
b) sleep it off, I already called in Carol Channing (similar to calling in sick, but it is done while immitating Carol Channing's voice)
c) WRITE IN YOUR OWN ANSWER! DECIDE WHAT I DO! Examples: Get on a plane and go somewhere sunny where rainbows burst from children's eyes! OR Just call up the porcupine's family. It's probably just severe guilt that's in your throat for accidentally devouring one of their loved ones.

If enough people choose an option I WILL DO IT. No matter what it is. Pinky. Swear.

Ug. I hate being sick. Phew, it's a good thing we didn't all collectively make-out.....or...did...we...dunt dunt dunnnnnn!

Now onward to SPX! So many people have already explained the awesomeness that last weekend was. Check out Jess's entry and Ed's recap and Liz's entry (who casually neglected to talk about the fact she accidentally turned my boobs inside out in that crushing carride back from karaoke!) and MK's post and Leah's post...christ I could go on and on!

Total highlights include:
-Getting to know MK and Joe better through terrifying attack by Billy Joel and a stalking of the YOO-HOO man at a MD WaWa (Marianne was of course there in that car ride as well...but if I knew her any better I would be stealing her identity and living out her life in a very nice manhattan apartment while she was tied up in a ditch somewhere...muahahaha...um...what? I didn't say anything!)
-rooming with Jess and Eric and Tyler and not accidentally peeing on ANYONE in my sleep. YAY!
-not being an exhibitor FOR ONCE and spending a good chunk of that first day you guys were on the floor in the hotel pool BOO-YAH! Also frolicking with Marianne in general is AWeSOME, surprisingly we dont' find a ton of time to do it in our own city lately!
-Karaoke and re-meeting (this time reealz yo!) Ed, who I had interviewed last year at some crazy hour of the morning ...and hadn't remembered until after this SPX when we had already declared comic bbf-ness!
-MUPPETS! And seeing Jim Henson's nipples in their early years.

Okay! On to Pictures! All of um are HERE on flickr:
http://flickr.com/photos/abletoven/sets/72157607859334097/

Crap, wait I DID meet a porcupine at Karaoke! I'M SO SORRY PORCUPINE OR WHATEVER ANIMAL YOU REALLY ARE! (Also those karaoke visuals were TERRIFYING! Also also wouldn't that make the creepiest sonogram EVER! Or perhaps the most awesome one, considering your standpoint)

ALSO!
Remember the great "how many cherry tomatoes can you fit in your mouth" contest from 2006? Well it was BACK and this time "ONE" was enough for all involved. More on this below the cut!

It had been so long since I saw Jess and Eric they grew these amazing beards! (okay okay so I MADE them the beards as payment for letting me crash in their room last minute)

And then Jess Died!

Here are the nerdlingers being escorted by the awesome gipi-pin-wearing Joe Flood on the way to Atomic books! Photo by the amazing MK!

The super sexy Nerdlingers committee of Robin, Liz, and MK!

Photo by Marianne of me and my grandbaby Nerdlinger! I won for "Best Mustache in Indie Comics" in 2006 for my habit of gluing those things on before it was cool to glue them on. I then awarded David Malki ! one in 2007 and this year he passed along my baby's baby to Kevin McShane who is ridiculously rad.

We got back to the hotel and I proceeded to drink this Maryland beer I bought entirely for the name. It was a Hip-Hop-acalypse in my mouth! aka it made me want to freestyle rap about how horrible I thought it was WERD!

Show itself was ridiculously awesome and I got a nice BIG but not craaazy pile of books to bring back. These shows are dangerous if you aren't making money at a table during them! I DID get to strut around secretly feeling all John Travolta White Suit-y about the fact I officially am a First Second employee now. Geez! I wish they had a table there, BUT if they did I might have to cut down on things like this...

From the great 2006 cherry tomato eat-off! EXPLAINED HERE Pat Lewis totally started this with the pick up line "Guess how many cherry tomatoes I can fit in my mouth" (which was only topped by his other pickup line "Hey Ladies! No not you.") but it was Mr. Matt Hawkins who took it to a whole other level that year by DESTROYING a pile of minicarrots as well.

(both above photos by marianne who hid behind a camera rather than accept stupid bets! Smart girl!)

This year Marianne bet matt to eat one of the cherry tomatoes filled with creme chive stuff...covered in melted hot fondue chocolate. Just like in middle school I totally jumped at the chance to eat something gross on a dare!

Um...yeah it was not a good decision...

Maybe THAT's the real reason I'm sick now. I swear I couldn't get that horrible taste out of my mouth all night!

We then all went out for karaoke...I won't go into the whole "dead body in the parking lot" thing, but I am sorta proud that my reaction to a dead body is to run after it to make sure it's actually a dead body. Ambulance was called and the dude was supposedly okay. Eeeee. Thanks to random 20 second new friend (josh was it) who came to check the body with me and was braver then I when we got close. So so terrifying!

But enough of that! back to fun with live people... being late comers we entered an empty room of awesome apart from the BIG room of awesome already full of people. Unfortunately this meant no Liz duets this year, nor jumping on couches with Leah and will, but holy crap did we have fun in our little room!

Before we all let loose!

After the loose was let!

Tiny Dancer Marianne and Elton Ed.

Basking in the Glow of Chris's AWESOME.

Daryl the TAMBOURINE MASTER. Seriously. He was amazing with that thing!

And I'm posting THIS picture of me and Ed since the other one I have of us actually singing has been deemed accidentally obscene!

Picture by Ed! Cause he's magic and can take AND appear in them at the same time!

Next day was awesome but over waaaaay too quickly since I had to get back for Work with a capital W on Monday. (bah!)

A group of us went out for food after the hotel refused to believe anyone should have breakfast after 10:30 am!

Here we are waiting at the local Stuff-Your-Face.

Tyler was SO LUCKY his pants were too tight for me to steal without him noticing.

Also HOLY CRAP! CHECK OUT HIS BELT BUCKLE! (click for large view...and look at the buckle...NO! Look at the BUCKLE! Geez! Bunch of pervs!)

Photo by Marianne. SEE! I'm not the one taking pictures of crotches! I'm just the one looking at them...um...whoops.

I went back to say goodbyes and got the coolest thing of the ENTIRE SHOW!

Photo by marianne of Leah and Will and MEEEE and the amazing amazing A-FRIGGIN-A-MAZE-EEEEEING! Bacon Bracelet she made for me. Leah- I've worn it every day since. I love it so much!

Also I am still PINING I didn't buy this. I was so distracted by bacon! Is it still available Leah?! Huh? Huh?

Christ this entry got Looooong! After this came sad goodbyes and hugs and muppets and sad goodbyes and more hugs and a single "Goodnight" I had been waiting for all week *tear and personal spx roomie joke*.

Marianne took this since she is a crazy rebel and is all like "illegal! illegal photo my butt!" again damn me for having such a large camera! but Yay her!

Next year I am TOTALLY going. AND I am staying the whole time. I totally regret leaving early even if M and I did have fun wandering around D.C. and finding G-Unit street . Also regretted not being a part of the great hottub break-in of 2008! I'd say it was my 2nd Favorite SPX, it's hard to beat the Tony Millioare ignatz stealing capers of 06 as well as the fact I used to actually make comics back then, but on a scale of SPX compared to regular life it is like 2000 steps higher. Thanks guys! Heres to next year! And even more to SPX 2010 when I actually have some real comics to sell again! Woo Guinea Pig mysteries!

Okay don't forget to tell me what to do! If the answer is to drive back to Bethesda and meet you all there again next weekend I AM SO THERE!

My J is L Again!

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:24:31 GMT

WOO! MY BRAIN HAS RETURNED TO MY HEAD!

I wasn't going to continue this journal. After the last year and a half, having a job where I was representing RB in business suits and fancy shoes and stayed at work til 9pm most nights and had a monitor that just glooowed towards my boss's boss's office, I decided I had to refrain from armpit-fart jokes and what else do I ever talk about in this journal? But NO MORE! Because starting in a few weeks I am officially...

THE BOOK DESIGNER FOR :01 GRAPHIC NOVELS!

So so crazy since I didn't even apply for the job, but while they were without designers I had to do a few ad designs for them, and the head of the imprint went craaaaazy over a few I made. I think it was like the part in the looney toons where somebody's head looks like a buttery-turkey-noggin, only this time I LOOKED like a piece o' silly puddy, one that was sorta cool but you KNOW will be much cooler after you put a picture of KING ID on it and stretch that little cartoon man out while yelling quotes from THE ELEPHANT MAN...um...what was my point again? Oh yeah! Mark saw me as someone with natural design eye he could mold, and it helped that I knew and LOOOVE all the books already. Do you know them? YOU SHOULD! http://firstsecondbooks.com

Though truth be told I think the REAL reason he hired me was he was impressed by my high-five skills. I mean who WOULDN'T BE. It is the first thing on my current resume. Actually I think I might reedit it to be the ONLY THING on my current resume. Also, SCREW RESUMES I HAVE MY DREAAAM JOB! I am going to start to write my name all over my notebook pretending I got married to this job.

Seriously.

I fear I am going to ruin all my new business cards by making out with them.

I felt all sorts of "there is no hope for the future (insert sci-fi music here)" these last few years. But now I am single (though still good friends with the awesome Mikey), have a swell green-painted apartment, about to start a new job, AND about to distribute fake beards to the masses!

LUMBERJACK DAY is upon us! This friday night the Black Rabbit Bar is hosting a party where I am giving out free beards and mini-axes and pancakes! I've been redesigning the site like crazy this week, and it's AMAZING...

WHAT I WANT FROM YOU (other than a welcome back high-five)!
-send me any lumberjack-y related tutrials, drinks, recipes, or JOKES and I'll totally post them on the site!
(joke page is still not live, but check out these gems! http://lumberjackday.net/celebrate/howto/jokes)

-COME CELEBRATE WITH ME! Festivities start at 7pm and the bar is the BLACK RABBIT at 91 Greenpoint Ave. in Brooooklyn, but we'll be there all night! Seriously I miss you guys come out and celebrate our ridiculous invented holiday!

-SPREAD THE WORD, WERD! Go out for pancakes or waffles with your friends or just use this as an excuse to stop bleaching your facial hair ladies. If I could grow it, you know damn well I would! Also feel free to JOIN THE FACEBOOK group and stuff!

-PANCAKES VIA POSTAL CARRIER! You HAVE to see this tutorial a swell Fluff Radio fan made! It's an LLA! Hey, remember those?!

Okay, now to fill in the gap of six months worth of posts...Where I have been in photo form!

First off, it's a me meme. That "Take a picture of yourself right now. Don't change your clothes. Don't fix your hair. Do not collect $200." Thing.

I wasn't sure how to tell you guys this, but I look so short in this because I lost both of my legs in a surgery attempt to make me look more like those cute 1/2 horses I love in the petting zoo. Oh yeah, and I use a side monitor as well.

I've been driving a bus!

I've been hiding out in tip of the Flatiron building! I work in the building now. That office very soon will belong to a woman who could crush me with a SNAP of her children's book icon fingertips.

I fell for and then almost moved to Buffalo for one of these fellas! (Luckily he cruuushed my insides, so no moving to Buffalo for me!) Strangely enough it's NOT the guy in spandex for once.

I went to California and watched my friend Annie sniff a lot of trees!

I got the coolest bruise/Dog BITE ever!

I got my toilet stolen! (long story, click on this bad boy for the full thing!)

I found out my tattoo is going to be featured in THIS BOOK:

I wrote my first CONTRACTED BOOOOOOK! Actually it's a graphic novel for 3rd graders which is ridiculously silly and will feature a character that you'll likely recognize! Granted you'll have to wait until 2010 to recognize 'um, but still. I don't know who the artist is yet, but I have my fingers crossed about a few possibilities...oooh

Where I will be in the future:

Or at least if all goes well with the second surgery. Woo!

75% GRAVY INSIDE

Sun, 25 May 2008 02:46:26 GMT

So first with apologies...if you have written me an email or left me a phone message...I have not responded. I am in that "bad place" break-ups/moving out puts a person, and surely won't be fun to listen to. BUT! I am feeling cheerier today...since good news!

1. I found a place to live! I am moving to greenpoint, from greenpoint! Actually it's about .4 miles away from my current place. Still in the middle of nowhere, but that's how I like my apartments it seems. I'm technically on the border of greenpoint and north williamsburg...probably even williamsburg on a map, but my geek roots refuse to admit I could ever be a true billy-burger. I shall be living in a new 2 1/2 bedroom with an awesome gal/bartender named Vicki I only met a few weeks back but has already gotten me enough free drinks to officially be awesome!

2. So the fellas of the playground ghosts have been doing tons of cons without me, which is cool since they have hundreds of things to sell at these shows, when I literally have 10-20 books that took me 3-4 hours each to make, but I assumed I was still in for my hometown MOCCA. Winds up they gave my spot to Sir Randall from xkcd. Randall's a super nice guy, but geez it totally sucks they gave my spot away without even asking me! I missed it last year since I was away at a librarian work convention...but they knew I was in town this time. BUUUT here comes the good part! Mr. Pat Lewis of "HOLY CRAP IT'S Mr. Pat Lewis" fame has offered me donuts AND a spot at his table. WOO's and HOO's I'll be there! Not only is Pat awesome at karaoke AND drawing, but he's darn swell as a person as well. Thanks Pat!

3. They hired a woman to take away 25% of my job at work who starts on Tuesday! They also asked me to start making many more "book trailers" AND are going to let me start some of the creative ideas I've wanted to do for years, like a vidcasts and podcasts where I get bands to sing songs about our books. If it works for the cheese Disney, why can't it work for GOOD BOOKS with GOOD SUPER AWESOME CATCHY SONGS? The podcasts will be songs, interviews with authors, me reading portions of books, and lots of other stuff. I pray they let me keep doing this, and there have already been a bunch of industry magazines who are asking to interview me about my craaaazy ideas which have been working! So weird! Recently, they asked me to make a new song for ABC3D since Amazon and BN and such asked for rights to the video, and I got some fans of the book, the incredible band I know as "the band who practices in my living room every saturday" aka my roomie Mason's band Not Waving But Drowning. I swear they didn't just get the gig because on those Saturday practices they also always cook me southern biscuits and gravy. If it were up to me the 75% of my body currently made up of water would be replaced with 75% of PURE SOUTHERN WHITE GRAVY. Um...NOT A EUPHEMISM! CHECK OUT THE NEW SONG completely inspired by the book! Man does that make me smile like an idiot. Something I haven't done much of lately.

They also asked me to make a trailer for this book and gave me four days to do so. Luckily one of my comic friends who I never see is a BRILLIANT video editor and could take a book with no images and make something awesome and totally teen-goth in like no time. Yes that is me...and all of my roommates acting badly.

Other good news is Chris Dlugosz, the fella who edited this and is in the BEST VIDEO GAME COVER BAND I HAVE EVER HEARD, has promised me when he dies and gives his body to science I can put his brain in a jar AND KEEP IT! We went back and forth about the color a bit, but we decided on an Aquamarine-eske Blue as the color for the liquid goo his brain shall float around in. Woo!

4. HOLY CRAP I DESIGNED MY FIRST BOOK COVER! One day I want to do this for a living...but here's a start. It's a Young Adult book called ISABELLE'S BOYFRIEND by the ridiculously rad Caroline Hickey. Click to see the bigger version...

I'm really happy with how it came out and the fact it gave me an excuse to buy a drawing tablet...
so I can make things like this which the world REALLY NEEDS.

It's Barbara Bush as a mexican wrestler, eating a cheese curl...which I'm sure is the first thing EVERYONE draws when they get a wacom.

HOLY POOP MY HANDS ARE FAMOUS!

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:29:23 GMT

So I was bored of mailing packages at work one day (three hours after I was supposed to go home) and I made a little video of one of the books we have coming out that i LOOOOVE and then set it to one of my favorite 30's songs "Roll On, Mississippi, Roll On" by the Boswell Sisters...

That was a month ago and the book doesn't even go into stores for 8 months...but someone on some typography blog found it and within three days it's EXPLODED on the internet.

Today my hands are being featured on all myspace user homepages! New York Times just blogged about it! It's now in the top #123 overall books on Amazon (meaning not just in the kids section) and it doesn't even exist yet! So so crazy! I AM SO GOING TO BE DAVID DUCHOVNY IN ZOOLANDER! Who wants to buy me glass case for my arm? Anyone? Anyone?

(side note: OH MAN does it make me sad I cannot find an image of the glass hand case from Zoolander!)

I never sent anyone the link so these 100,000 people who have viewed this video found it entirely on their own. Those of you who know me and the horrible time I've been having at this job (which sucks ALL the creativeness out of me!) should totally check out the video, rate it, comment using no abbreviations or numbers within letters, or if you are feeling particularly excited..you can even buy the book. (Though if you wait 8 months or so you'll have a nice friend who might be able to get ya one. Eh? Eh?)

I'm hoping this might lead to me getting to do more fun stuff than just mailing packages. Click and help me start to be creative again!

Spread it like creamy peanut butter! (but not chunky, since that usually tears the bread and pisses me off.)

The odd thing is I got "internet famous" for a bit for my connect-the-dots leg tattoo, and now I'm getting internet famous a bit for my hands...what's next? Perhaps we should have a body parts poll. I'm hoping my left nostril finally gets the recognition it deserves soon....

Love,
Coll

PS totally have a new goal of posting once a week again at LEAST. Too many good stories to tell! For instance I am amazed I never told the "YOO-HOO IS MY SECOND FAVORITE TYPE OF BEER" pickup line story here. Isn't that what LJ is for???

EL SANTO, GOLD SPANDEX, and AUSTIN

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:39:15 GMT

Hello all you Texas types! I'm in your state breathing your air and stuff and most likely farting it out my tush! (I really REALLY love Tex-Mex.) You should come by and say hi. I'll be at STAPLE! in Austin this Saturday, March 1. It's HANDS DOWN the best show I do all year in terms of levels of awesomeosity. So many handmade craftiness, books, and my favorite comic people like Dave and Melissa! (as well as our own crew, Mikey, Marianne, and the Malki! ) Can you spot Marianne and I in that comic of Dave's? I'll give you a hint our boobs are made of helium.

In. Real. Life.

I'm super proud of the stuff I made for this show including a 100 page comic bound with 7" records! It's the collected storyline from 150-185 with some added panels to make it into a real live book! It's even in color. oooooooh color...It's most definitely the most amazing thing I've made book wise. I also got to use AIR SUPPLY and LISA LISA AND THE CULT JAM records after winning an ebay auction for the entire contents of some bar's jukebox which was only 80's records. I didn't destroy the Phil Collins one though...since i'm too busy making out with it. Mmmm Phil.

I also made a whole bunch of Madeline Kahn shirts and this...the most amazing shirt I've ever made. Printed in silver on a whole bunch of colors AND tote bags. I even drew the SANTO, which I'm super proud of. Those eyes! Those nips! That chubby little stomach! It's based on my favorite EL SANTO movie, where he kicked the ass of a whole bunch of lepers only to go on and cure leprosy at the end. What a guy. What a guy. No idea if anyone in the world will love this as much as I do, but if I no one buys them and I wind up with 35 of these for myself that just means I can wear one every day and only do the laundry once a month. SWEET!

Now go! STAPLE is almost here! See all of you there!

All of you.

I mean it.

That's why god invented planes and stuff.

Don't make me remove my BFF tattoo of all your faces!

Ps and this message is mostly for Annie but....GUESS WHO SAW LESLIE HALL LAST NIGHT!!! Hint. It was Leslie Hall. She looked in a mirror. And then went out and performed a show for ME.* Woo!

*and a few other people I guess.

Annie NYC RIP and the Final Fluff Radio Review

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 07:33:23 GMT

(EDIT: not private anymore since the SURPRISE! happened!)

Some of you already know, some of you might not yet, but our favorite Annie Sanders has decided to return home to her original California roots. This means a lot of things, mainly that it SUCKS for all of us NY'ers who adore the girl, but it's a good thing for Annie who is going to go back to school to teach art .

We're going to throw her one BIG SURPRISE party at my place the night of January 5. Please note the SURPRISE in that line. She thinks she's coming over my place to record a final Fluff Radio Review show, which we will...while we party of course. A lot of you on this list aren't even in NY, but I wanted to let you know about the final show in case you wanted to leave her a special WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU, ANNIE! message.

Anyone who wants to should call 347-823-3109 (aka dirt-bed-109... tee-hee, it also spells out fist-bed-109...but uh, yeah, let's stick with dirt bed...) and leave the message on the voicemail thing I set up. I'm going to collect all of the "goodbye annie" messages and integrate them into a big slideshow we're making her.

With that in mind, if you happen to have amazing photos of Annie or anything else you want in the slideshow send them my way! Any gifts/letters/or postcards for Annie can be sent my way as well.

The party is going to be in my apartment:
Around 6pm

...I'll have Annie get there at 7pm, so if you want to be part of the yelling SURPRISE! Feel free to come early. We'll be here all night though if you can't get here early. Also if you can get here REAL early like 3 or so you can come over and help us cook and decorate. Please spread the word to any friend's of Annie's that I may not have contact info for!

I'm also trying to come up with some songs to sing to her about her, so anyone who wants to lend some creative genius in that realm, I'd totally appreciate it.

For those of you who don't know Annie, all you really need to know to understand her coolness is she's the person who bought me my first real fake stache...

Which I am still wearing four years later...
"

While "Fluff Radio Review" will end I'm gonna start a new radio show with a new name, that won't have a super cool Annie-type co-host, but the podcasts entertain me too much to stop! If you have any creative ideas for what the new show should be (like what should it be called? should I still have bands? should they always be live? how about dead? should we do comedy sketches? segments of shows 40's radio style? Should I wear pants? EVER? No really? I'm not a fan of pants? etc.) feel free to send them my way.

Perhaps a show where I just play popular 80's songs with my armpits, or maybe I'll just read the all of the parts in the scripts to episodes of PERFECT STRANGERS without any emotion at all.

I think the only thing keeping me from crying about Annie leaving is knowing that Balki will be here in early February to comfort me.

HA! I just noticed that there are 120 reviews for Perfect Strangers on AMAZON and literally 119 of those are FIVE STARS. I mean I LOVE it, but I haven't seen a full episode in about 7 years. I mean, it's amazing I'm sure, but definitely hazy in my memory.

For instance I totally don't remember there being a floating disembodied head in the main cast.

SPX ROLL CALL!

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 05:41:47 GMT

*Jumps up* COLLEEN! PRESENT! or maybe it should be COLLEEN! FUTURE! or perhaps COLLEEN! SMELLS LIKE CRABS!

Who's going to be there? We shall arm-wrestle! Like friends do! I'll even bring socks for you to wear on your arms. Arms are for socks! Eerr...about the arm wrestling. It's just a fall back greeting style. I would normally offer my usual high-fives but Ms. Marianne can't get time off from her mean bosses so I feel I must retire the high-fives for this show. I would like to kick her bosses in the shins, but I fear my foot may slip a little higher.

Oh well, I'll have to invent a new way to greet people. Are friendly head-butts cool nowadays? Also! Is it head-butts or head-bunts or head-shoulders-knees-and-I'M-GONNA-HIT-YOU-IN-THE-FAAAACCE. (There has been a general lack of sleep in my diet. Does it show?) I should just start working on a handshake NOW. I'll let you guys know how it turns out. I used to have a secret one with Mr. Chris Moreno, but that one took about four minutes to execute and involved pretending to be cut in half by a chainsaw. Awesome handshake, but I'm not sure I can fall to the ground and writhe my last imaginary breaths every time I meet someone.

About the crabs...to make me even sadder, not only can't Ms M go, but Ms K can't as well. One of the best parts of every SPX has always been driving down in Klio's car with Marianne (and Anya once) singing Pat Benatar best-of's as loud as possible. Unfortunately Ms. K couldn't get a table this year, which sucks on so many levels since her comics are amazing.

Now I'm without a ride, which is cool. I'm no stranger to mass transit. I'm more of a stranger to what those pedals on the car floor do. The Chinatown bus is fine with me, which always gives me fond memories of the first time I rode it when I sat next to a man with a bucket of Live crabs in his lap, treking his little legged buddies to Boston (I like to think they were patriotic crabs. And that they all came home with washington monument keychains and little novelty Lincoln top hats on.)

Speaking of comics and presidents and crabs with novelty hats on: I AM NOMINATED FOR THE NEW FRIENDS OF LULU NY PRESIDENT. I AM THE ONLY NOMINEE! I WILL WIN! UNLESS YOU SUBMIT A WRITE IN VOTE FOR "TINY CRAB WITH COSTUME HAT ON" in which case I will cry, but gladly work in TINY CRAB's presidential cabinet if he, and his tiny hat, will have me.

ANYWAYS...BACK TO SPX...

If one of you happens to have a car and are heading out of NY OR are heading THROUGH NY and wouldn't mind giving me a lift I would be super appreciative! I pay for tolls! I buy gas! I can control my gas if we eat fast food! (One of the benefits of jumping rope all the time is I have super human clenchin' skills now!)

Anyone? Anyone? I can even meet you where you are leaving from, even if it is along a train route upstate or something.

Also, my co-worker Gina is going and needs a room to crash in. We currently have seven of us in our hotel room...which I think may not be completely ideal for her since most are guys. If someone needs someone else to help split room cost let me know and I'll pass along word to her.

As for what I'll be wearing this convention. I'm done with fake moustaches. Beards are in now. That and attacking your friends while they are dressed as breakfast foods. Annie makes a pretty pancake. HAPPY (belated) LUMBERJACK DAY EVERYBODY!

EDIT! Yes, Boston and Washington D.C. are the same city when I write posts at 2 in the morning.

The Challenge: More a Youyou than a Meme

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 23:03:33 GMT

THE CHALLENGE!
(two things to do, to photograph and post, but mostly to do, since they are friggin' amazing):

1. Dance Like Crazy by Yourself, perferably for an hour or two or more, perhaps without even music playing...

2. Wake Up or Stay up for The Sole Purpose of a Sunrise
Seriously, when's the last time you saw one? Sat in the same spot staring at the sky until it happened? Actually said HOLY CRAP! THIS AMAZING POO HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE DAY???? Yeah. I think you should do that. Soon.

BONUS POINTS FOR PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF YOU SAVING THE WORLD (with or without cape):

This past weekend I set my alarm clock for 4 a.m. climbed up on my roof and danced for two hours straight until I saw the sunrise...something I hadn't seen in, what I realized recently, literally half a decade.

Yeah. It was pretty darn amazing.

A whole lot more photographs are here. Including this one, which I like to imagine is the result of a very strong wind. I'm thinking of going go pro-mime.

You guys should try this. I mean it. I've been a giddy monkey every since I did this, but then again I'm a giddy monkey a lot of the time. Or at least I used to be a lot of the time. "Used to" and "right now" are getting pretty darn close lately. In fact, keep your eye on the comic tonight. Something magical is going to happen...

Colleen AF Venable, Now With 1/8 More Bad-Ass!

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 13:49:28 GMT

Hey, you know how they tell you tattoos hurt. Well that's a LIE!

What people mean to say is that they really, really, REALLY, FUCKING REALLY hurt. Or at least when you've got less meat than muscle/bone/hyper-sensitive-mutated-nerve-endings-surely-created-when-once-swimming-in-coney-island-contaminated-water. (Which is my new theory for why I was such a friggin' baby with this.)

Actually I was totally cool and being all bad-ass-no-complaints until this part...
Ta-dah! "oh wait, is that a SINGLE OUNCE OF BLOOOOOOD?!?!"

After which I passed out like four times in the tattoo studio over the course of the next hour. I was like having an out-o-body experience with a weeble. I couldn't walk straight and kept (almost) falling down. Dave C. Wallin (aka my new best friend and SERIOUSLY the best tattoo guy I've ever met) made me feel better by telling me this story:
"Don't be embarrassed that last woman who passed out on my table peed herself. That alone was pretty bad, but then when she came to she wasn't embarrassed at all and just said 'oh, I do that sometimes.'" So yay for my stellar control of my bladder-parts!

Here's what it looked like after a few days healin' time. Please note the "club-a-baby-seal" calves that are attached to my legs:

And here's a picture of me after I clubbed a whole bunch of baby seals:

Ahhhh bliss! (And just in case you are some environmental hippie, those seals were asking for it. Totally.)

So I bet you are wondering about the "first connection" of the dots. Well, I'm going to do it by fire-light. The fire of a burning giraffe...Muahahahahahaa! That said...anyone know how to make a really awesome fire ball explosion? I've got me a giraffe to murder...

p.s. SUPER big thanks to dollomite for keeping me sane during the needling and taking pictures and dealing with my weeble-y self afterwards!

ALSO come visit me at the DUMBO BLOCK PARTY today and ROCK OUT with a band of 11 year olds who are in a sweeeet punk band!

So there's a big block party going on in Dumbo today (Saturday) which I'll be working. We did a book on Gleason's Gym (you know that super famous one) and I'll be hanging out with all the professional boxers selling copies of the book! So two questions!

1. Anyone want to stop by and say hello?
2. Anyone want to punch me in the face so I'll match the other black eyes at the table? I'M TOUGH!

There is going to be some awesome stuff there including this band of ELEVEN YEAR OLDS! http://profile.myspace.com/carebearsonfire So so awesome. (Annie take note!)

Here are the details:
Saturday, September 8, 1 pm to dusk
Dumbo Block Party
Pearl St. Triangle between Front and Water, Brooklyn
Bruce Silverglade of Gleason's Gym has rented a table at the event and
will have staff (not Bruce himself) selling Gleason's T-shirts and his
workout book. Colleen will attend and sell our book during entire
event.

--Noon: Colleen arrives at Gleason's. She will go from there with
Bruce's staff (probably two other people) to the table on Pearl St.
--Set-up time: sometime between noon and 1 pm.
--1 pm: Block Party starts.
--2 pm to 4 pm: Ted Lewin to autograph
--Dusk: Block Party ends.

For directions to Dumbo Block Party:
http://www.dumboblockparty.com/Directions.html

Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone know a good tattoo artist in NYC?

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 22:29:17 GMT

a) I am alive
b) it's been a bad coupla months
c) things are getting better
d) I'll be Steriod-Arnold-style on the interweb more.
e) THE GIRAFFE PROJECT IS MOVING AHEAD!

Anyone know a good tattoo artist in NYC who might actually think dots and numbers are an awesome thing to tattoo on someone, rather than a tragicallly boring thing to do?

Also, do I need to go bigger with the number fonts?

Also, HOW THE HELL ARE YOU (Yes you)?! You may answer in the form of a single adverb or onomatopoeia.

To Guttenberg or Not To Guttenberg

Wed, 23 May 2007 21:52:40 GMT

I have the chance to see this man, in person:

It will cost money. I will, most likely, not get to make his manly chest hair stand up straight by rubbing it with a red birthday balloon (as I'm sure we've ALL fantasized about). I have many other things that are Un-Guttenbergable to do that really should be done. But I am curious how all of you feel about the man, the myth, the Gutt. (Not to be confused with the gutt, which he most likely has now.)

Any of your Gutt and gutt stories are very appreciated, as well as your feelings on spandex. I personally think spandex pants are my favorite way to decend a flight of stairs quickly. Perfect for when you want to make that flashy entrance by butt-careen.

Also! I am in the mood to write a silly short story for all of you. Give me a topic! When all is said and done I shall put all topics into a shoe and eat them and then pick one out...of my poop. Um....or maybe I'll just pick one out of the shoe.

View Poll: Guttenberg

In not Gutt, Dex, or Story news, I have way to much fun doing promo photos for other people...

That's Mikey, Chuck, and Derek who make up the band Brownwing Overdrive, who are quite fantasic at giving an experimental experience that doesn't always involve pigeon-eatin'. You can see the rest of the promo shots HERE. I'm particularly fond of this one. Though both dead_kitty and the PIXEL lord Chris Dlugosz think this one makes the best cover. Oooooooh Coooooolors...

The only way that photo could have been any cooler was it it was Guttenberg he had just thrown in the air instead of a disco ball. If someone feels the need to make this happen in a visual way, I would not be upset.

Evidence of Murder

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 16:03:12 GMT

So a few things I found out this past weekend:

1. I'm kinda ridiculously good at wielding a GIANT hammer. Please note on the video below that I NEVER miss.
2. If you try to murder a giraffe it WILL fight back. I now have a big ol' cut on one of my feet and on my hand.
3. If you hit things hard enough their heads will fall off.
4. Angela Lansbury is hard to get a hold of.**

Thanks to Shannon and Michael for taking the video. (Michael was also responsible for the amazing polariods hidden under the cut. Here's the link to the video on Google. Send me your screenshots in the next two days if you want to participate in the muuuuuuuuurder.

Thank you so so so much to my roommates, Mikey, Isaac, and Mason, as well as to the incredible Eric and Sara, and the wonderful Martha for trekking to greenpoint to help me with the project. Also HUGE thanks to all the chili-contest participants who had no idea what they were in for when they stepped out onto that roof. It means so so so much to me that you guys helped! It's kinda scary that I've been doing this project over four years now and it's so close to being done! The explosion is coming soon kids...but for now, let's just smash things!

The Mourners (photo by Mikey IQ Jones)

It wouldn't be a proper murder without at least one child there to witness it...(photo by Mikey)

Martha says goodbye in dramatic "no one else is paying attention" fashion. (Mikey took this one, but you can see all of Martha's awesome "giraffe murder" pics HERE.)

The crowd at the murder...(Photo by my awesome roomie Isaac)

Christ! I guess I DO have some daintiness in me afterall. Unfortunately I need to be smashing things with a hammer in order for it to come out. (Isaac took this one, too)

(super dramatic "this is it, giraffe" pic by the one and only Eric Skiff)

**As for my Angela Lansbury comment, it's a long story which might deserve it's own post...Actually it's an extremely short story, but I'm too murdered out to talk about old ladies. FOR ONCE!

Murder and Chili and Other Wonderful Things

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 19:47:48 GMT

Part II of the MURDER is here: The ICE! The giraffe has been frozen in a big ol' block of ice, just WAITING to be smashed to bits with a rather terrifyingly big hammer I happen to have recently acquired.

If you are in NYC you should come and help me destroy it. If you AREN'T you should watch the video I am putting up for the next few days and take screenshots. I think I am giving up on last time and keep the video up indefinitely so more of you can get involved, and also this video is most likely going to be SWEEET!

I'm still debating what I should wear to smash a giraffe with a hammer, but I'm toying with a mix between these two outfits:

*cough* resisting the urge to make a "please hammer don't hurt um" joke here *cough*
ALSO, edit, didn't realize that gallagher one was animated. If you need me I'll be in the fetal position over there until my laptop battery wears out and makes the gallagher-monster stop.

Come and help me destroy it and as an added bonus, this Saturday is also...The Great Chili Cookout of 252 Norman! Basically my roomie Mason is having a chili cookoff contest which means we get to be taste-testers to determine the winner. Also if you are a cookin' type feel free to bring your own chili or prepare to prepare it here. Murder and chili have never gone so well together! Err...yeah, don't think about that one too much.

So here are the details:
Date/Time: This Saturday, March 24, 4:00 p.m. (3:30 pm if you are gonna cook some chili and plan to use our stove and stuff)
Where: My apartment: (e-mail me if you need the address or directions!)
What to bring: as many cameras as you own including camera phones, though no fear since I have a buttload of them to be used here. Also you might want to bring an umbrella or underwater camera or patented anti-rain dance since it might rain. Fingers crossed it doesn't, but either way me and the pickax are gonna be on the roof doing some giraffe deathin'.

Hope to see some of you guys there! Feel free to bring any friends or expert cooks.

Hearts,
Coll

ps for all you veggie-lovin' folks, there's already a few vegetarian chili contestants entered, so you'll have something to non-meat to murder!

pps if you have no idea what I am talking about with all of this murder talk you should read this: http://furboajerboa.livejournal.com/97776.html

Birthday Wishes, Men With Bowling Pins Shaved in their Heads, and Shoeless Giraffe Questions

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 19:58:42 GMT

First off, I've been slacking in the world of the internet, having rather a crappilicious connection here BUT I must send a happy birthday to three of my favorite people in the world.

Person number Awesome:
His name on the internet is mister_punchy. His real name is HOLY CRAP WHY WON'T THIS GUY MOVE TO NY SO WE CAN ALL SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM. He has a collection of 80's commercials on tape that rivals the vaults of YouTube. He makes the most amazing themed holiday mix cd's, including my every favorite Fuck Valentine's Day mix. I SWEAR he write the best "nostalgic" entries on this entire LJ universe. He makes me simultaneously miss and thank the lord that I don't have to relive my late teens and early twenties. He's consistently the best thing on my friends page. I'm super slow with the birthday wishes on this one, but he's getting a "Mister Punchy deserves to take over the world" carepackage soon. If you have made it this far in this paragraph without friending him, click on his journal now. You won't be sorry.

Person number Cute-ass Glib:
Her name on the internet is sketchartists and more and more her name on the internet is Anya Garrett. She is one of the most talented, motivated, and unique people I have a ever met, not to mention being so damn cute it makes you want to start to wear a paperbag over your own head. Anya's an amazing photographer, who has all the traits to be a INCREDIBLY successful professional amazing photographer. She's got the loudest laugh in any room, no matter how many other people are there competing. She's incredibly loyal to her closest friends, and I'm always really happy to realize I'm in that group. I originally typed that as "closet" friends, and I'm sure she would be loyal to them, too. She makes me want to create and laugh, and those are two of my favorite things in the world. Her birthday was last week, where I ate perogis in her honor. There aren't enough perogis in the world to equal the awesomeness that is you, my dear.

Person number Her Actual Birthday:
Her name on the interwebage is dollomite, but everyone knows her as Marianne. I say everyone because she is friends with everyone, and if you don't know you love her yet, you just haven't been in the same room with her ever. She pretty much exudes a warm-happy feeling that makes you just want to be around her as much as you can even if it means you will get arrested by living outside of her bedroom window in a tree. She's got the quickest wit of almost anyone I've ever met, but is so modest about it. She spends most of her time around comedians who I SWEAR she is funnier than. She doesn't realize how talented she is, but we all do and I give it two years before she is in charge (of at LEAST the comedy world, if not EVERYTHING). Like Anya, she's so loyal and will be there in a second if a friend needs help. The idea I ever survived without her as a friend baffles me. I'm not sure how anyone could survive without Marianne in their life. Today she turns another year older. You should wish her a Happy Birthday.

Okay, I'm literally getting really sappy right now. Like misty eyed sappy to the point I had to stop writing this entry and give it a second before I continued. Some days I just feel so lucky I've come across so many of you that read this journal.

Sappiness=OVER, now on to the GREAT ROOMMATE SEARCH 2007!

My french roommates Natalie and Rachid move out tomorrow, which make me super sad because they were pretty much the perfect roommates. It was a mighty task to replace them...

So after one guy who didn't wear shoes, one girl who cut her armpit hair in the living room, one fella who "whoops, murdered a man", and three AMAZING people who were vetoed by my roommies due to joblessness...I finally have a new roommate!

Thanks to redknot for sending her lovely sis our direction! She won me over by being related to you, and she won Mason over by mentioning the word cookies, and she won Mikey over by liking theme parties, and she won Isaac over by being as he put it "such a sweetheart" and she won all of us over by wearing shoes and not mentioning any "parole terms." We're all super excited to have her move in.

Okay, about the shoe guy I can't seem to shut up about...

Now I always respect folks who go against the mainstream. I mean if you look at hair alone, scientific studies of the hair of my history of boyfriends includes a whole lotta boys you shouldn't bring home to mom. (Varieties including the don king, the "tin-tin", the green foot-length spikes (four to be exact), the purple bangs, the crazy beard, the guy with the tail and bowling pin/bowling ball shaved into his head....um..okay so that was my crush in 4th grade, but he was HOTT back then. Seriously. I'm not sure how I ever refrained from pulling that piggy hair tail and making a loud "BOOOOOING". Man I had a lot more self-restraint in fourth grade!) There was also the guy that febreezed his hair instead of washing it...but that was a very different story...um, one that lasted 9 months.

Now people with ridiculous hair are cool with me. People that spray products made for couches onto themselves instead of showering are cool with me. People that say "hey, Authority: FUCK YOU, but also I feel sorry for you, why don't you let me buy you a falafel and maybe we can chat and find out what in your childhood might have made you grow up into such a stodgy jerk-faced jerk." Those people. Those are the ones I love and want more of in my life. Unique folk that aren't afraid to be themselves. But I realized recently there is a line, and that line circles around three words "NYC", "winter", and "barefoot".

It seriously freaked me out when I saw him leave my house to walk the ten minute trek to the train BAREFOOT the day after it snowed, which means there was about three inches of brown slush all over the ground. I think I would have been less freaked out if the was the kind of guy who didn't believe in pants and left my house ass-naked wearing only boots on his bottom portion.

Shoes! Shoes are for feet!

I think that's my new motto.

SUBJECT CHANGE TIMES TWO:
1. You guys still up for Murdering the Giraffe a bit more this Saturday afternoon. (I got me a block of giraffe ice in the freezer and a pick ax...)

2. Anyone know a good tattoo place in NYC? I desperately need to remind myself I haven't gone corporate, before I go back to being corporate in 12 days...

AUSTIN, Matt Damon, and Chicken Salad! (the most exciting post ever!)

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 19:52:13 GMT

Are you in Austin Texas? WELL, I AM! OR AT LEAST MY BRAIN IS!

As it seems rather unfair for my brain to get to take a vacation without bringing the rest of my body along, my body will be following my brain tomorrow morning to spend the weekend frolicking with friends and selling comic-y type stuff and shirts at my favorite small press show STAPLE.

The show runs from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. on Saturday, March 3. I'll be there with Ms. Marianne, Chris Yates (of Repro fame), David ! (of Wondermark ness) and I'll be selling books, shirts, and maybe even be wearing pants!

If you are anywhere in the neighborhood, and by anywhere I mean from California to Maine, you should totally stop by. Here's all the info you need!

In other news, Matt Damon is an evil muffin-stealing jerk! If I lose five pounds I'm going to be seriously pissed at Matt Damon and his whole stupid Bourne-whatever posse. That big ol' wad of extra fat on my ass is my own, Matt Damon! AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO STEAL IT AWAY WITH YOUR STUPID MOVIE!

*cough*

Alright, maybe it isn't Matt Damon's fault entirely that he happens to be filming a movie on my block and they are blockading my favorite place to get muffins. There have been about 40 trailers surrounding my office building for the past week. Part of me wants to yell at them, the other part of me wants them to decide my new thin-un-muffined ass should be starring in the movie rather than Damon's scrawny one.

And on to the most exciting part of this newspost. Did you know I really like Chicken Salad? I DIDN'T KNOW!

Anyone want to play a game of "scientist" or "a game of 'help me or the eel dies!'"?

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 17:19:22 GMT

When I moved into my new apartment it was decorated by discarded bits of the roommate I was replacing. Old dirty fishtanks, dead potted plants, large bags of sand, a bedroom with a distinct the-socks-have-taken-over-run-for-your-life-funk, but perhaps the most interesting to me (other than the headless white tiger sculpture) was the man-made lake he left in the living room.

Basically, it's a 30 gallon tank that's been converted to a biosphere (bio-cube?...eh you know what I mean). When I moved the entire tank wall was covered with a dark dark green super-thick algea. Everyone thought the old roommate gave the fish inside of it away when he gave his other fish away. The old roommie was a marine biologist of sorts, always coming home with some new animal in a bucket. This lake was made of all different things he had found, from snails to plants to guppies...to the eel.

I call it an eel, because I don't know any better. It's about 8 inches long, slightly devious looking in it's swimming style, and I totally think its' the coolest, smartest fish I've ever meet.

When I moved in the tank hadn't been paid anymind for two weeks. Nothing inside had been fed. We were all really surprised when I started to scrap the algea to find the old roomie had forgotten about "the lake" entirely. Leaving it to die.

Now that I've named everything in it (including all 30 guppies...which are now down to 1) I really need to find out how to properly take care of Emilio, Knife-fight, Larry, Balki, Mytwodads, and The Guppy That Made a Pact With the Devil.

Can any of you identify these fish? They are all freshwater. I need to get me some books to find out how to care for them, but it's hard when I don't know what kind of fish they are. (I didn't get a good picture of Knife-fight the knifefish, particularly because I am pretty sure what kind of fish he is. Also, he's crazy fast!)

Here's Emilio the Maybe-an-Eel-io...

He loves the camera.

Emilio showing off a little tail (he's about eight inches long total, with little spikey fins down his whole back, which makes me think he's probably not an eel)

I think he wants to be a movie star. He would have been great in Jaws Four: The One With Without that Pesky "Plot" Thing

Larry and Balki are not amused...

The Headless Tiger guards the Lake.

I'm super worried because Emilio doesn't seem to be eating anything I've tried, and is getting more and more lethargic. Also they don't have any sort of a filter, and I'm not sure how often to change the water, etc, the water is SUPER murky at this point. Also also, there is an ridiculous number of snails in the lake. I don't know what I should do about them. Also also also I think Mytwodads is secretly plotting to kill me...maybe because I gave him such a crappy name...

EDIT: Wait! I think I just figured out what Emilio is!